Archive | October, 2011

How to survive the zombie apocolypse

31 Oct

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A zombie apocolypse is no laughing matter so wipe that smirk off your face and listen up.  I’ve taken my time to write this guide in order to ensure your survival since your one of the few who actually read my blog.  It’s my way of giving back to humanity well actually my readers, zombies don’t read. Without you I’d lose my will to fight off the hordes of dead in order to blog another day.  So if and when the day comes the dead rise do not panic just follow my instructions.  Preparedness is the best way to survive. If you wait for the last minute to run out to Walmart your screwed.  That place and most other establishments will be cleaned out or packed with the walking dead.  The lasthing you want is to be in a checkout line with zombies.  To avoid leaving the safety of your home keep it stocked with plenty of water, canned food or anything that has long shelf life and nutritional value.  Pack according to the size of your expected group.  I suggest on having as much available as possible since no telling how long you will be hiding.  Be sure to have a first aid kit on hand as well including any prescriptions needed by survivors.  Keep a radio solar powered or wind up if possible. LAN lines and cell phones will be down eventually so I strongly recommend a c.b or ham radio to communicate. Next have the means of fortifying your home.  If you don’t already own them purchase a hammer, drill and some wooden boards.  Your next door neighbor may not be so keen on lending, can’t really blame him considering the circumstances.  Now you don’t have to be a Bob Villa to secure your home.  So I don’t need to get all handy Manny up on here.  If you can’t swing a hammer you can’t kill a zombie. Which brings me to my next topic Selfdefense in order to live your going to have to kill, but hey zombies are already sort of dead don’t feel bad they do after all want to eat your face.  From all we know of zombies the only way to kill them is to destroy the brain.  Do this by any means necessary that’s right your going to have get your hands dirty, practice head bashing a couple times a week pilates won’t save your ass just trim it.  Now in order to properly defend yourself you will need Weapons which are essential to survival!  Everyone wants guns but not everyone can get access to fire arms unless you live in Montana or Brooklyn.  Aside from being hard to get my other knock on guns is as effective as they maybe at instant kills they are loud.  And those shots will be sure to attract swarms of walking dead to your location, so I prefer quiet weapons “melee”.  If you do get a gun use it only when it is a must and conserve your ammo.  Keep it with you at all times you never know when shit hits the fan.  Some alternatives to guns you might already own.  Improvise like the before mentioned hammer is a good start, also go to Modells stock up on a couple of aluminum bats.  One for your softball league and two they make for great zombie brain smashing fun.  A machete or even a kitana sword are great additions to any arsenal.  I would go with machete since it is also a great tool.  But if you can command a sword this is great choice for eliminating threats silently.  Quick chop to the neck with either of these and watch zombie heads fly.  The crossbow is ideal replacement for the gun its quiet and effective at taking out Zombies from a safe distance.  Another benefit is the bow can be reused just be sanitary you dont want to cross contaminant infected blood.  So don’t panic you don’t have to be Rambo or Jack Bauer to survive you just have to be ready to do anything to anyone.  The apocolypse will not just test our skills and will to survive our morals will surely be tested.  Those who learn to cope with these test quickly will have a better chance of sticking around.  I cannot emphasis this point enough in order to survive you must not get sentimental and be willing to survive at any cost.  Emotions are one of the traits that separates us from the zombies, but in order to out last them we must curb our feelings.  First off just as I do not suggest traveling for supplies in the midst of a dead rising I must also urge you not to go after anyone.  It is not safe to travel and you probably won’t find who your looking for alive anyway.  So as hard as it seems stay put do not leave a safe shelter unless you absolutely have to!  Now once you get the hand of blasting away zombies it gets easier until that zombie is someone you know and love or in some cases not infected yet. Think about it what if the infected was your husband or wife, daughter, son, brother sister, bestfriend and so on.  What would you do then?  Would you let someone shoot dear old dad in the head?  Or worst can you do it yourself?  This is vital choice that will make or break your survival.  I know it will be hard to separate feelings just because the person you loved is now a part of the living dead but you must do just that or perish. This is why as disturbing as it seems imagine now what you have to do.  When the real time comes it may make it easier if you played out scenario a few times in your head.  Remember if you hesitate for just a moment you will be joining them for dinner, correction you will be dinner.  This is not the same person you knew he/she has lost all consciousness of what they once were and are now a monster who’s single goal is to feed off you or any other living being.   So do not keep them around putting all in your survival group at risk.  Hopefully your group is filled with doctors,marines, engineers hunters and farmers.  Chances are it is not but if you have learned some skills in life it will surely help.  If you have the time take a first aide class this is vital for any emergency.  Also read up on farming try it yourself in the backyard plant a garden of some veggies and fruits.  It may not be as pretty as daisys and roses but you may run out of sources of food and will have to grow your own one day.  Another way of getting good is hunting take it up as a hobby. If you don’t believe in killing animals your pansy ass should’ve stopped reading at the how to kill a zombie portion of this. Next time you take the car to the mechanic shop ask questions watch what they are doing.  Basically learn to be less dependant on others, I do not believe the lone wolf mentality is the way to go.  A group of people with an array of skill sets working together has the best hope of survival.  Goodluck my friends and remember we either learn to live together or we die alone. 

Tricks and treats

27 Oct

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Don’t you just love how adults stole Halloween from kids?  Seriously over the last few years more and more grown-ups are getting in on the fun.  It’s no longer just for the little ones nor is it limited to just one day a year, its celebrated weekend before and the day of.  Everyone dresses up to attend the costume parties and hit the club scene in sometimes original, outrageous and creative outfits.  I remember one year there was this guy with a 3rd leg hanging from his crotch. Another of my favorites was also starring a crotch hmm beginning to see a pattern here.  This other dude was dressed as a priest but he atttached a fake little boy to his crotch, outrageous but funny.  Simple can work too, once ran into a guy on train dressed normal but he wore a “hello my name is _____” sticker and filled in blank with God, thought that was clever.   I hate when costumes get played out by everyone wearing it, like when there were a million jokers, or the year of jersey shore.  I’m sure this season we’ll see our share of Charlie sheens.  Halloweens also an excuse for closeteers to crossdress and think no one suspects them.  But dude if your costumes get gayier everyyear somethings fishy so just come out its all good.  Halloween is the gayest holiday, the gay community loves it.  I think they made it cool for all adults to enjoy so thanks for pathing the way.  I went to NYCs Halloween parade once and boy do gays know how to have fun with Halloween.  Matter fact my favorite couples costume ever was gay bert & Ernie.  No adult group benefits from Halloween more then the women.  It’s the one time of year they can dress totally slutty and get away with it.  I mean wow do girls take advantage of Halloween weekend.  I’ve seen the usual cheerleaders,maids, school girls etc.  But some girls even find ways of making Freddy Kugar, Mrs potatohead and strawberry shortcake sexy, Mrs potatohead really?  Well hey me and the rest of the male species won’t complain, actually remind me to thank god next time I see him on the subway.

Holy hipsters Batman

27 Oct

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Cancer, drugs and cyberbullying they all have a great campaign behind them.   I say we start a new one against the Hipsterization of America! Hipsters are destroying our way of life and yet no one has attempted to put a stop to it.  They walk around in their everyday is laundry day meets 1980s wardrobe pretending they don’t care and are all artsy and poor.   Of course they believe they are of a different non-trending breed who’s better than “mainstreamers”.  Going against the norm is the way of the hipster and that is why they pose a threat we must rally against them before it is too late.  Unlike most evil organization there is no Hitler, Bin Laden or Cobra Commander we can identity as head hip and eliminate.   We can’t stop hipsters but we can educate our children and bring national attention before it spreads to more parts of the country.  Occupy Wall streets gaining ground why don’t we start occupy Williamsburg?  Then enlist some big name celebrity like George Cloony or Angelina Jolie to be the face of our cause.  Finally we come up with a catchy slogan that will hit them where it hurts.  Something like “tell a friend hipsters trend.” Once word is out and we expose hipstersisim for what it is it will fade away as all trends do.

:) + ;) + :P = Creep

18 Oct

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So I’ve noticed I’m developing a bad habit.  Ever since my phone added those smiley faces using symbols called “emoticons“.  I’ve begun text smiling way to much.  Who came up with the name Emoticons? Sounds like a female decepticon menstruating who transforms into a tampon and bitches the transformers to death, poor Optimus.  I’m not the only one abusing the smiley face its become wide spread in texting.  And  It doesn’t stop at 🙂 either, seems like everyones text winking 😉  text sad 😦  and text tonguing 😛 .  I don’t smile all that much in real life usually because of fear I have food stuck in my teeth, smiling is also bad for my street cred and I have an image to up hold.  If I text sad as much as some people I know I’d be on suicide watch.  The winking isn’t frowned upon but think about it If I were winking that often in real life you’d think I have nervous tick.  Or wonder whys that creep always winking.  I know this guy he winks all the time and I’m just waiting for him to slip up and let out a gigiddy gig.  The winks are bad but not as sleazy as the sticks tongue out move. How weird would that be if we all just stuck out our tongues like were catching snowflakes. Seriously put your tongue away unless your offering oral.  People shouldn’t use these faces unless the text merits it, don’t abuse the faces. And stop saying lol and Lmfao at everything unless your really laughing out loud or you laughed your fucking ass off.  You know your friends jokes aren’t that funny and the lastthing we needs another emoticon dropping comedian in this world.