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How I lost my virginity

10 Jan

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There have been many great failures in American history. Vietnam war, Bush administration and the losing of my virginity. I’m going to shed some light on the disastrous beginning of my sex life.

I was a horny little bastard who started masturbating at 10 (before i could even shoot a load)  I remember doing it by accident but liking it.  Apparently I was going about it the wrong way for years by doing some over the top maneuver.   Eventually I learned not to cum into the palm of my hand.   Grew tired of being known as “sticky fingers”. 

When I turned 15 I was one of the first to get on AOL.  This was heaven in a electronic box for teens everywhere.  We could have dirty chats with strangers even share explicit pictures.   My poor parents thought I was using that Compaq to make something of myself.  Ha!

The good old days of A/S/L/ the universal internet greeting better known as Age? Sex? Location?   I’d always lie because know one really knew what a catfish was back than.  Hell we were all catfishing  each other in 1996.  I’m sure that 18 year old big tits blond who got me off was really some 49 yr old 300 pound bearded trucker named Bob.  Bob sure did know how to cyber, good old Bob.

Now I wasn’t too socially awkward or bad looking that I couldn’t get girls in school.   Its just that girls on AOL (Or Bob) came across as really easy.  I used the chat rooms as a way to explore and get to know females sexually.   Eventually I graduated from cybering and phone sex to wanting to meet chicks in person. 

 Getting laid became my sole purpose in life.  I searched the internet for slutty girls to lose my virginity to. I eventually made an internet girlfriend named Elizabeth from the Bronx.   She was a sweet girl from a good family.   That created a problem she had morals and was a virgin.  Typically a virgin is a prize most guys would want to achieve but being one myself I needed something else.  A damaged hates her dad kind of girl who’ll fuck & suck just to get back at him for walking out on his family. 

 After about a month of dating which felt like an eternity that got me no where but kissing.  I realized her panties were locked tighter than fort Knox so I moved on to plan B.  Elizabeth told me about her slutty cousin “Jessica” who met a few guys off line an fucked them.  So I dumped Elizabeth and befriended her cousin on AOL instant messenger.   After some talking I convinced her to skip school one day and come to my house.  “I’ll have weed and drinks” I said to sound cool and seal the deal.  

My idea of a party at fifteen was some Zimas and my brothers weed.   I stole  a joint from his secret stash.  To this day he still keeps his weed tucked in a box of Newports.   My brothers joints were slim as toothpicks but I was a sophmore with limited resources.  The skinny J with more paper to weed ratio would be enough to impress Jessica.

Jessica was a little older than me and I already had the inside track that she was experienced (Nice way of saying shes a whore).  I bullshitted her and said I’d fucked lots of girls and could make her cum.  I bragged about my large penis which by a teenagers standards still was’nt that big.  See I was born hung for a baby but I out grew my dick quickly so it really was not much to brag about.  Yet I did.  Now I had this hot slutty girl coming over expecting to get the fuck of her life.  I panicked.  

Shit I dont even have condoms.  How the fuck do I get condoms?  Sex ed had scared me into thinking aids was running wild among high schoolers.  I could’nt go to the bodega my parents are friends with the owners.  My parents knew everybody in the neighborhood.  Than I remembered my friend Willy’s dad owned a gas station and they had a condom vending machine.  I asked  Willy for some Jimmys for my Johnson.  Willy obliged and hooked me up with three rubbers.  He also got me a pack of Zimas.

Weed? Check .  Alcohol? Check? Condoms? check.  I was ready! Or so I thought.

We cut school as planned.  She came over to my house and to my delight she was as hot as described on the chat.  I could’nt believe I was about to bang a hot chick.  It was a sure thing she told me so herself she came to fuck.  Of course that was all on the phone and on instant messenger but no one lies on the internet right?

After some smoking and Chinese food I got the courage to make my moves.  Nothing like General Tso’s chicken to make a boys balls grow.   Must be the msg.

At this point in my life the farthest I’d gone was some finger banging.  I wasn’t even good at that. My hand was like Christopher Columbus discovering America.  I explored had no idea where I was going but accidentally found some land.   Much like the Native Americans she regrets my invasion.

After some intense making out and taking all her clothes off.  There she was a sexy naked girl on my moms couch.  I thought about fucking her right there but even though my mom was old school and wrapped her couches in a condom of its own with plastic I didnt think it would be right.  So I lead her to my room in all her naked glory.  The first of what I’d hope would be many conquest in my lair.  

I laid her on my bed and we made out again.  I was still in my t-shirt, Jordache jeans, and sneakers.  I was self concious all of a sudden I thought about my lies…

I was’nt a 6 ft 180 fit 17 yr old sexually experienced stud with an 8 inch dick like I made myself out to be on AOL.  I was a chubby 5’9 virgin and well if I fucked her twice I technically would be giving her 8 inches of dick just not all at once.  I froze had no idea what to do.  Think, think.  So that I did.  I took a moment and thought back at all my years of porn watching to that point.  I reenacted my favorite porn scene so I did what Peter North would do.  Call me Pedro South cause I went down.

I dont know what I did with my mouth but Jessica sure seemed to like it.  I think I was naturally good at this from eating lots of mangos.  I ate her for awhile until she leaned up and started kissing me than said “put it in.”  Hmmm what is this “it” she speaks of? My not 8 inch dick? Fuck!  Okay I figured if she didnt stop when she noticed I”m about 3 inches shorter in height than I claimed to be she may not notice my penis is three inches short either.  

I grabbed the condom and ripped it open.  Pulled it out and thought I have no idea how to put this thing on.  Why the hell didnt I pay closer attention in sex ed? What am I supposed to do with this rolled up plastic sock? Ok I’ll do what I do with laundry and unroll it yeah thats it.  So i unrolled the sock I mean condom and I unrolled it way too far thinking I’m the mandigo I claimed I was.   I start sliding it on and as I pushed down I kept filling it with air.

I was making balloon animals with my condom this was becoming a nightmare.  Not only do I not know how to fuck I dont know how to put this on.  She asked if everything was ok.  “yeah I’m good just this condoms broke”.  I pulled out another.  This time I rolled it out to a length more suitable for my sausage.  This was less of a chorizo length and more fitting for a vienna sausage.   I put it on with less balloon animals this time.  Finally got it to where I think I could get it in.  Now how do i do this? 

I fiddled around down there for a bit still in my t-shirt and knee high socks hovering over this sexy seventeen year old.  I lied about my height, weight and dick size I can tell by the look on her face she was expecting by now for me to be lying about how good I’d fuck her.  Still she didnt stop me she was nice enough to lend me a guiding hand on where she wanted me to go in.  And go I did!  I gave this girl the five best strokes of my life than poooooof.  A magical eruption happened filling my balloon giraffe condom up.

“You didnt finish did you?”  She asked with a horrified look on her face.  “No were just getting started. I think I hear someone at the door hold on let me check.   I made my escape to the living room to recover.  I took out my last condom took the other cum filled condom and put it in my jordache jeans back pocket.  I dont know why I did that I had a garbage can ten feet away.  Guess I was saving it as a memory so one day I could pass on the used condom to my son.

I went back in the  room and hoped I could do a better job the second time around.  Afterall this girl just deflowered me and shes been a good sport.  I tried to do something not sure what but the second time I lasted longer so much longer that I was thinking she might think I’m gay if I dont finish soon.  Eventually she got tired of my fat sweaty body crushing her and moved me over.  She got on top and showed me exactly how experienced she was.  

It was great the kind of sex you only dream of or watch in a movie.   This girl put it on me and I’ll remember Jessica forever. 

We hung out and hooked up a few times after but than I got a new girlfriend in high school and that was the end of that.  Years later I ran into her again and found out shes cousins with one of my friends.  I told her the truth that she was my first and she felt honored about taking my virginity.  I also told her the one thing I didnt lie about was giving her 8 inches of dick that day.  

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Spoiler free review of TMNT

8 Aug

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I’m a long time hardcore TMNT fan, I’ve been waiting for years to see another movie.  I tried not to get caught up in the hype but I have more TMNT attire than I do dress shirts.  Action figures (dont call them toys) sit on my computer desk.  So writing this review was particularly hard for me as there is no other franchise I hold as near and dear to my heart like I do the Turtles.  Hell I love the turtles so much I grew a shell of my own except its on my front.

 I don’t know what I went in expecting from this film but I sure as hell did not get it.  I’d like to write a thoughtful detailed review but that would mean I put in more work than the writers did on this script.  While they did draw bits and pieces from comic books while adding its own feel.  I appreciate some of the references to appease old school fans like me but the movie just felt short and made no sense.

Do I look happy?

Do I look happy?

The plot had more holes than the cheese on the pizza hut product placement TMNT was pushing.  Seriously I dont mind products being peddled during a movie if its not so obvious but they didn’t even try.  Its like Pizza hut sponsored a Nickelodeon made for tv movie, than I would be raving about this film.

Besides the sewers and a subway scene, New York does not seem like New York.  Maybe that wont bother others as much but I’m born and raised here and it ticks me off when you get NYC wrong!

While I love the idea of CGI reboot of the franchise I had a hardtime adjusting to how big and strong these turtles are.  Seriously they are really strong and way too big for ninjas sneaking around the island of Manhattan.  Ok here I go getting fan boy ranting,  Woosa

Megan Fox is well Megan Fox cosplaying April O’neil, she looks the part but did I mention she’s Megan Fox?  I dont think Michael Bay is over her talking shit about him and he basically snuck one over and punished her with this movie.  Or maybe he’s just trolling us like usual.  Even though Bay’s hand is not felt too heavy on this film, us fanboys know he’s attached.  Anyone my age has felt the wrath of Bay as the destroyer of everything we love from the 80’s.  If I hear Michael Bay has anything to do with a Thundercats movie I might be writing reviews from jail.

Here I go fanboying out again. Sorry about that but seriously Fuck you Michael Bay!

Ok back to the movie.   The footclan is nothing like the footclan of old.  They were just throw ins to get tossed around by the Turtles.  Now Shredder on the other hand kicks major ass/shell but everytime I look at him I think of the Silver Samurai in the Wolverine flick.  I would like to have seen him fight before becoming all Supercharged.  Master Splinter was a Ratlike Yoda when it came to fighting.  I loved watching him throw down but his persona falls flat.

Now for the Turtles.   I wish more time was spent on them and setting up their personality.  If I was not a longtime fan I’d have no connection to them at all.  The opening monologue by Master Splinter themed to comic book scenes falls short and pretty much sets tempo for the movie.  It all seemed rushed and just thrown together.
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At first glance I did not like how accessorized they were but it grew on me.  Each turtle is distinct in size as well as voice the CGI was pretty good at giving us a way to tell them apart.  However in some scenes effects looked poorly done especially the big chase.  All the voices work fine accept Donatello can get pretty nasally and sound almost like a female at times.

Donnies the Smart guy doing what he does with computers and gadgets.  He even snorts while he laughs so that we get he’s a nerd.  Leo is the leader of the pack but he does not give off much personality but than again no one does.  Raph is the hardheaded brute whos always bumping heads with Leonardo.  Raphael is my favorite and I felt like he was given the most screentime which was cool.   Mikeys his loveable funny silly self but alot of the one liners fell short for me just like everything else about this movie.

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Besides the fight scenes I did not come away with much more entertainment here.  The best and only memorable moment is seen in the previews when the Turtles are beatboxing in the elevator.  Other than that the turtles lack a charm and silliness that I grew up watching and loving as a kid.  Although I believe new generations of turtle fans will enjoy this version, its painfully obvious these are not my Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

TMNT had the potential to be awesome but its the dud of a summer filled with great movies.

Cowabummer

I give the TMNT a 5.0 out of 10

Spoiler free review: Guardians of the Galaxy

1 Aug

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Marvel has taken one of its lesser known series, and launched what’s sure to be a hit Franchise.   Guardians of the Galaxy is the comic book movie I’ve been waiting for.  Gone are the powerful yet anguished superheros, replaced by the most unlikely band of lovable misfits.

This wasn’t just a movie, it was an experience.  The F-word can best describe that experience, FUN!   Guardians hits you with one blast of fun after another.  You’ll be sure to talk about this one with all your friends and share many of the lines.

James Gunn directed and co-wrote along with Nicole Pearlman  a gem of a film.   To make a funny, action packed movie with memorable characters is no easy feat.  This is sure to be a cult classic on steroids.  _GOTG_ had the entire theater literally laughing out loud.  I don’t remember enjoying a movie as much as this one in my adult life.

From the moment Peter Quill (Chris Pratt) dances his way into our hearts.  I knew I was watching something special.    A classic that only comes around once every decade or so.  Disclaimer my generation (80s babies) may be a little more inclined to love this movie.  Thanks to the soundtrack, 80’s props and references we get treated to.

Pratt is such a different but like-able hero, he’s quirky but has a swagger to him.  He showed he has what it takes to be a leading ma.   Pratt nails everything they throw at him in this role.  Problem is the rest of the Guardians were just as good if not better.  This was truly a team effort, the Avengers should be jealous of what Gunn captured here.  The way they dropped hysterical one liners made me forget I was watching a movie and not just hanging with friends.

Zoe Saldana is the go to sci-fi actress and I understand why.  Shes sexy, charming witty and bad ass as the green skinned Gamora.   Drax the destroyer did a great job for being a wrestler turned actor making his debut.   Bautista does a good job delivering some of the funniest lines in the movie.  Believe me when I say nothing goes over his head because his reflexes are too good.

They jam packed well known actors from Josh Brolin,  Glen close,  Benicio Del Toro, Michael Rooker and it goes on. A very impressive supporting cast.   Lee Pace plays the main bad guy Ronan the accuser.   He does a decent job but again unlike many other comic book movies the villain plays second fiddle to its stars.

The cast chemistry is damn near perfect.  I find this impressive because the two scene stealers are CGI character’s.   We have Groot the simple minded but sweet humanoid tree.  Voiced by Vin Diesel who may have put on the best acting performance of all-time of a tree.   I loved the running gag of him repeating the same three lines, it surprisingly never got old.

Get ready to see Rocket Raccoon every where after this movie.   I know Disney will surely cash in on his merchandise.   Bradley Cooper surprised me at how good he was pulling off this character.   His voice acting was spot on for what I imagined Rocket could sound like.  I admit I was worried when he was first cast but man did Cooper dazzle without his good looks.  Rocket is such a great character and they truly brought him to life.

Groot, Rocket and all of the cgi are beautiful.   I saw the movie Imax 3d and it was worth it.  Marvel made sure to include some sweet 3d effects.   Plenty of action to go around from hand to hand, guns blazing and amazing space ship warfare.  Gunn does a great job of creating a beautiful galaxy.   Both Star Wars and Star trek would be proud.

The effects were awesome but GOTG succeeds where many other comic book movie’s fail.  By putting the focus on its characters.  They’re funny, charming, flawed and often fight each other but in the end they become family.   You wind up cheering out loud  because you cant help but like them.

This movie had me smiling from beginning to end.   As the crowd left after the post credits bonus scene, I looked around and saw nothing but smiles.  We didn’t just watch a movie we witnessed the birth of a classic.  Guardians of the Galaxy is something different,  special kind of different with some special ed thrown in.

Like Rocket Raccoon says “Ain’t no thing like me, cept me.” The same holds true for this movie.

I give Guardians of the Galaxy a 9.7 out of 10

Aside

Avengers: Disassembled

29 Jul

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The Avengers are Marvel/Disney’s billion dollar machine, but can they keep it together?  Contracts are almost up and not everyone may be on board to continue Marvels magic.   Joss Whedon has confirmed the Marvel cinematic universe is planned out until 2028.  Who will stick around? What new pieces can they bring in to keep it going?

Disney paid 4 billion dollars for Marvel entertainment.  Lets see how that return has gone for them with world wide box office totals.

  • Iron man 1, 2, 3 = 2,424,547,847
  • Captain America 1, 2 = 1,454,304,935 
  • Thor 1, 2 = 1,543,436,376
  • Avengers =  1,518,594,910

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The big three after Avengers 3

Speaking of money lets start with the man that helped launch Marvels superhero universe Robert Downey Jr.    Forbes  listed him as the highest paid actor for the second year in a row thanks to his Iron Man role.  However when Downey’s  contract was up last year he only negotiated to sign on for Avengers 2 & 3.  He recently teased that he could return for a Iron Man 4 film.

Prediction: RDJ will ride this wave until his bank account resembles Tony Starks.

Chris Evans on the other hand has made it clear once the contract with Marvel is up he’ll be hanging up Captain Americas shield.  “I think when I’m done with this Marvel contract, I’ll take a little break from acting.”  Evans has only 3 films left to fulfill that contract, Avengers 2, 3  Captain America 3.

 Prediction:  Marvel will look to the comics for inspiration.

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The last member of the big three  Chris Hemsworth stands to win out big time financially.  Marvel cannot afford to lose two of its big three Avengers.   He can demand a God like contract similar to what Downey signed.  Hemsworth has not ruled out a return once his contract is up.

 Prediction: Thor will be swinging his hammer for a few more films after Avengers 3.

   Plan B

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The Hulk will still be smashing the box office past Avengers 3.  Mark Ruffalo signed a 6 picture deal with Marvel.  The only difference between his and the big three is that hes only fulfilled one of those movies.  Leaving room for three more films after Avengers 3.  Ruffalo has been advocating for a Hulk film and I am sure he will get it.  Most assumed Marvel was afraid to do another Hulk movie after the last two were bust.  However it was smart to leave this candy in their back pocket. Prediction: Ruffalo will get his solo shot.

Paul Rudd is the newbie movie hero with his upcoming Ant-Man now under production.  Rudd is not only getting his own solo film but I believe Marvel has him set up as the backup Avenger for any of the departed. I have some concerns about this film.  The original director Edgar Wright departed just before production as well as a couple of actors.  Marvel brought in a new team to help rewrite script, which is scary at this stage in the game.  Add in the fact Ant-man isn’t the most popular hero to begin with and well…

Prediction: Ant-man will flop in comparison to the big threes numbers.  However he will still replace Captain America in Avengers 4.

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Dr Strange movie has been announced now the question is who will play him?  Those of us that are Sherlocked have been pushing for Benedict Cumberbatch.  The other fan favorite rumor is Marvel is after Jared Leto, who in my opinion is the best fit.  However I do not believe either of those two actors will commit to a long contract with Marvel.  A recent report from Deadline has Joaquin Phoenix as Marvels next leading hero.  No question whoever they choose must be a strong well known actor because they could need to further replenish the Avengers if RDJ or Hemsworth opts out.

Prediction: I believe Marvel will surprise us and sign Keanu Reeves

What Marvel should do

Listen I’m just some geek blogger sitting in his pajama pants with a empty cup of noodle soup to his right, so what do hell do I know?  Well I may not have the wits of Marvels execs but I do know comics and movies.  Heres a list of what I think can keep Marvel on its strong course post Avengers 3.

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  1.   Develop the rest of the supporting characters.  Samuel L. Jacksons Nick Fury is on point but Hawkeye and Black Widow could use more screentime.  Scarlett Johanssen had her coming out party in Winter soldier.  They failed by not capitalizing on that by announcing a movie starring her.  A story centered around Black Widow, Nick Fury and Hawkeye would do wonders.  No one could use this more than Jeremy Renner who is the only one playing on the C-team of the Avengers.
  2. Less Loki is good.  I love Tom Hiddleston but enough already.  He was not a formidable adversary to the Avengers but still the beloved actor was chosen as its main villain.  You know he’ll be in Thor 3 but besides that we can use a break from the Trickster.
  3. Bring in another strong female character.  Maybe Scarlet Witch will fill that role come Avengers 2 but I want someone worthy of getting a solo film.  Captain Marvel is the one that comes to mind. captainmarvel
  4. More Winter Soldier and Falcon!  Afterall one of them will be replacing Cap if Evans is done.  Most likely Sebastian Stan who signed on for a 9 picture deal with Marvel.  So show us the bad ass Winter Soldier is and break him in as someone worthy to be the next Captain America.  Anthony Mackie’s Falcon needs to become more prominent moving foward.  He was the surprise of Captain America: The Winter soldier in my opinion and he could fit in well on The Avengers team.wpid-picsart_1396776307823.jpg
  5. Give us Black Panther.  I’ll be the first to admit I was pissed Marvel gave Ant-man a film before Black Panther.  He would be the perfect character to replace a Iron Man, Thor or Captain America on the team.  black-panther-movie-image

Marvel is dominating the big screen but with changes eventually coming and the pressure from DC’s Justice League on its way.  How long can they hold the throne?

Best of San Diego Comic Con

27 Jul

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I did not have the pleasure of attending San Diego Comic Con but I did search the web for news.   Here’s a recap of my favorite out of  SDCC14.

Microsoft unveiled  Trailer for Halo: Nightfall 

The miniseries is a part of the Master chief collection coming to Xbox One.  Showtime is close to a deal with Microsoft for rights to air series on its network.

Fox announced Family Guy Simpsons crossover episode.  Fans of the hit long running shows will be treated to the Griffins visiting Springfield in a episode titled “Simpson Guy”

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DC gave us a look at how they plan on taking over television this fall

Starting with CWs Arrow which is now in entering its third season.  Set to premier October 8th.  Arrow is getting a sidekick this season here’s a look at Roy Harper as Arsenal

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Heres the trailer for Arrows upcoming third season

Along with Arsenal we have confirmation that Ras Al ghul will be the main villain for Arrow this season.  The Atom and Wildcat will also be showing up. As well as a plenty of characters coming over from the new Flash series.  Both shows will exist in same universe and share characters, stories as well as a two hour crossover event.

Heres a look at The Flash 

Fox has the highly anticipated Gotham which focuses on life in Gotham long before Batman.

NBC nabbed its own hero *Constantine*

 

AMC showed us what’s to come on season 5 of  The walking dead

DC gave us a closer look at Batman V. Superman with a teaser of the Dark Knight and Man of Steel in a show down.  Heres latest photo of Ben Affleck as Batmanwpid-wp-1406441186744.jpeg

 

DC also unveiled Gal Gadot as Wonder Woman

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Marvel showed footage from Avengers Age of Ultron

imageI dont have any footage of that action but heres a great description from i09.com

We saw a ton of Avengers: Age of Ultron footage, which starts light-hearted. We see the Avengers sitting around trying to untangle the “whosoever is worthy” thing, regarding who gets to hold Thor’s hammer. And they all think it’s a trick, or a circus sideshow.

“If I lift it, do I get to rule Asgard?” Tony asks. And Thor says yes. Tony says he will be fair but firm, and maybe work out the “wench clause.” Tony can’t lift it — even after he puts on an Iron Man glove and gets Rhodey to help him. Soon everybody is trying to lift it — including Bruce Banner, who gets kinda upset — and only Steve Rogers even comes close.

Black Widow doesn’t even want to try lifting it, because “That’s not a question I need answering.”

Tony guess it’s keyed to Thor’s finger prints, or some other biometric, but Thor says the answer is simpler:  “You’re all not worthy.”

Then there’s a ringing sound and they’re all deafened, and Ultron strides into the room, with a crude Avengers logo painted on his slightly misshapen chest. “How could you be worthy? You’re all killers,” Ultron says. “You want to protect the world, but you don’t want to it to change. There’s only one path to peace: your extinction.”

Then a shit ton of robots burst through the wall and attack all of the Avengers, plus Maria Hill.

Then we hear Ultron’s voiceover saying he had a vision of the whole world screaming for mercy, and everybody tangled in it.

And we see glimpses of some city in what looks like Africa being reduced to rubble by an attack. There’s a closeup of Loki’s staff, and everybody looking freaked out on the Quinjet — most of all Bruce Banner, who is holding himself and shaking with a terrified look on his face. People are running everywhere, and the debris is flying like crazy.

Ultron gives a menacing look, as he surveys all the destruction.

io9 breakdown of Avengers age of Ultron footage

Marvel also announced Guardians of the Galaxy 2 will be written and directed by James Gunn heres the trailer for the fim set to hit theaters August 1, 2014

I can’t wait to see this film.  I fell in love with the comic and believe that Guardians of the Galaxy may very well be the sleeper hit of this summers blockbusters.

Hercules Spoilerish Review

26 Jul

Hercules

 

I went to go see Hercules mainly because so many people mistake me for the Rock, or is it a rock?  If you believe anyone would think I’m DwayneThe RockJohnson than this movies right for you.  I say this because _Brett Ratner_ completely conned me!
Remember those awesome Hercules trailers? The Rock going up against all sorts of Greek mythological beautiful CGI creatures?  Him clubbing a Erymanthian Boar?  Being taken down by the Hydra? A clash with the Nemean Lion? Rock yelling “I am Hercules”?  Well its as much bullshit as me doubling as the Rocks twin.  Lies I say all Lies!

All you see in the trailers is pretty much what you get.  Seriously thats not a lie, I’m not pulling a “Ratner” on you cause thats what I’m calling it from now on.  Basically all the Greek monsters you think the rocks going to fight you can see in a two minute trailer.  Don’t expect much more than that.

They’re all in the first 5 minutes of the film, it basically opens with the trailer.  As we get  a 4 minute montage as Iolaus (Hercules nephew) brags to a band of pirates great tales of how ferocious Hercules is.  As well as proclaiming him  a demigod son of Zeus.

 You see this is a different Hercules one that is just a mere mortal who happens to be strong and big.  His 12 trials are greatly exaggerated, retold with many irregularities by Iolaus.  Hercules does not work alone he has a crew of loyal friends fellow mercenaries.  Together they have created the legend that is Hercules.

I actually enjoyed this lie, his whole legend is based on a lie.  Kudos to that lying bastard Brett Ratner, his fib pays off.  How many times can you do the story of Hercules? I am glad he took a different approach than anything I’ve seen.  Although Kevin Sorbo is still my favorite Hercules, the Rock does a great job of carrying this movie.  He’s as charismatic and big as ever, seriously the due is a big hulking hass of muscle.   Ian McShane provides the rest of the films charm and humor.  The rest of Hercules’ crew is just there to keep the movie going along.
Plenty of action scenes although as I mentioned all the CGI beast can be seen in the trailer.  The rest is just mortal men going at it with swords, arrows and shields.  Nothing we haven’t seen before but still entertaining.  I mean come on The Rocks big and sweaty and swinging a big stick around for your viewing pleasure.  The fights were nicely choreographed as we see  Hercules and company train a rag tag group of farmers into a elite army.
The film has a twist along the way, not just the first one of Hercules being well not so Hercules.  Otherwise the rest is pretty much straight forward and predictable.   Besides being disappointed by the misleading trailers I still was able to enjoy this film.
I give Hercules a 7.0 out of 10

 

This is no I love Lucy

25 Jul

lucy

 

I had a tough choice to make between two of my crushes Scarlett Johansson and Dwayne the Rock Johnson.  Ultimately I chose to take Lucy to the Prom over Hercules.  Scarlett does not disappoint as the title character but even she couldn’t carry this movie away from Luc Besson’s over the top vision.   His direction and writing was not enough for Scarjo to defeat, hell she could have brought along the Avengers and it would not have helped where this movie failed.

I’m going to keep this as spoiler free as possible and trailer friendly.  Lucy is about the first person who is able to tap into more than 10% of her brain.  This is occurs because of an implant of a new drug that she’s being forced to mule overseas.  The bag leaks and well Lucy gets all supercharged and smart unlocking all cool parts of her brain that allow her to kickass, speak new languages, read minds, time warp and perform all sorts of telekinesis.  This is when Lucy is at her best, bad ass Scarjo kicking ass.

Morgan Freeman does his best impression of Morgan Freeman Through the Wormhole.  He plays a neurologist who Lucy (Now the smartest person in the world) enlist to help her on her quest for I dont know what.  This is the problem you never really find out what it is Lucy is doing.  The bad guys are still after her for the drugs but other than that WTF?

Besson’s attempts at being visually artistic at times help Lucy as we are treated to such beautiful colors and CGI of trees coming to life, radio waves and other nicely produced visuals as Lucy now sees the world differently.   However Besson goes over the top with one too many cutscenes from national geographic special.  He thinks its clever using these scenes as a metaphor but to me it insult the audiences intelligence as he is trying to hard to spell out what we should make of the scene.

Scarlett Johansson is magnificent in this movie but she comes across less bad ass than I expected.  Her Black Widow character is far more memorable and that all falls on Besson.  He did a great job of not over sexualazing the character, but he did not focus on what made the movie strong.  Too much imagery went on here and not enough explaining.  Maybe when you guys see the movie you can tell me what the hell it was about, cause I am still wondering.

I had such high hopes for Lucy but it misses the mark for me.  I can deal with the over the top scifi premise, the cliche characters but if  I wanted to see a tripped out art film I’d go to community college.  This film is what happens when you give someone a 100 million dollar budget for a script he wrote while stoned off his gills, half asleep after watching the syfy and discovery channel all night.

Lucy only unlocks 10% of her potential

I give it a 5.5 out of 10