This is no I love Lucy

25 Jul



I had a tough choice to make between two of my crushes Scarlett Johansson and Dwayne the Rock Johnson.  Ultimately I chose to take Lucy to the Prom over Hercules.  Scarlett does not disappoint as the title character but even she couldn’t carry this movie away from Luc Besson’s over the top vision.   His direction and writing was not enough for Scarjo to defeat, hell she could have brought along the Avengers and it would not have helped where this movie failed.

I’m going to keep this as spoiler free as possible and trailer friendly.  Lucy is about the first person who is able to tap into more than 10% of her brain.  This is occurs because of an implant of a new drug that she’s being forced to mule overseas.  The bag leaks and well Lucy gets all supercharged and smart unlocking all cool parts of her brain that allow her to kickass, speak new languages, read minds, time warp and perform all sorts of telekinesis.  This is when Lucy is at her best, bad ass Scarjo kicking ass.

Morgan Freeman does his best impression of Morgan Freeman Through the Wormhole.  He plays a neurologist who Lucy (Now the smartest person in the world) enlist to help her on her quest for I dont know what.  This is the problem you never really find out what it is Lucy is doing.  The bad guys are still after her for the drugs but other than that WTF?

Besson’s attempts at being visually artistic at times help Lucy as we are treated to such beautiful colors and CGI of trees coming to life, radio waves and other nicely produced visuals as Lucy now sees the world differently.   However Besson goes over the top with one too many cutscenes from national geographic special.  He thinks its clever using these scenes as a metaphor but to me it insult the audiences intelligence as he is trying to hard to spell out what we should make of the scene.

Scarlett Johansson is magnificent in this movie but she comes across less bad ass than I expected.  Her Black Widow character is far more memorable and that all falls on Besson.  He did a great job of not over sexualazing the character, but he did not focus on what made the movie strong.  Too much imagery went on here and not enough explaining.  Maybe when you guys see the movie you can tell me what the hell it was about, cause I am still wondering.

I had such high hopes for Lucy but it misses the mark for me.  I can deal with the over the top scifi premise, the cliche characters but if  I wanted to see a tripped out art film I’d go to community college.  This film is what happens when you give someone a 100 million dollar budget for a script he wrote while stoned off his gills, half asleep after watching the syfy and discovery channel all night.

Lucy only unlocks 10% of her potential

I give it a 5.5 out of 10


Spoiler filled review of Dawn of planet of the apes

17 Jul


Dawn of planet of  the apes is second blockbuster this summer in which CGI characters far out shine the human actors. The first was Michael Bay’s Transformers: Age of Extinction, which with all honesty wasn’t hard to do thanks to Mark Wagoner and company’s lackluster performances.  Optimus Prime can’t hold Caesar’s banana peels when it comes to acting or leading.   Matt Reeves Dawn of planet of the Apes is far more ambitious with its CGI stars and that’s what makes this movie great.

This movie picks up right where last one ended.  With Caesar leading his ape army into the California redwoods,  and  the Simian virus wiping out most of humanity.   During opening credits we get some newscasts and charts depicting human societies demise.  A variety of clips are shown from reporters to President Obama, until a realtime image of earth goes dark.

We than get a look into the fascinating ape civilization Caesar has built over the past ten years.  The apes communicate with sign language and English words. We see how they  hunt using spears and strategy.  Ape education, taught by Maurice from first film who’s back and loveable as ever.  They have a version of doctors who assist in birth of Caesar’s second son.  The apes even have laws “ape no kill ape”. I was captivated by their culture that I wish the human’s never showed up.

Eventually they do, lead by Malcolm  (Jason Clarke) aka the man in the yellow hat.  Hes with a small group of survivors from San Francisco venturing into Apeland in hopes of using a dam to  power the city.  This leads to hostility between Caesar and his old scarfaced pal Koba or as I like to call him Koba commander.   Koba hates humans and Caesar having been raised by one even though it was James Franco, has less ill feelings towards human’s.

Koba betrays Caesar with an assassination attempt and frames the human’s.  Using Caesars fall as an excuse to rally the apes and wage war on the unsuspecting humans.  The apes would have no chance to win chucking spears and rocks.  However Koba commander raids an armory and arms his simian army with fire power.  We are than witness to an intense battle between mankind versus ape.

Gary Oldman leads the defense but is overwhelmed by Koba commander and his ferocious charging followers.   Apes win and take humans prisoner, giving them a taste at life in a cage.  He also locks you Maurice and any other ape loyal to Caesar.   Meanwhile Casear is alive and being tended to by Malcolm and his family.  They hideout in Caesars old home from the first film.  Caesar’s son who rebelled (like most teens) all movie long finally sides with his father.

Once well enough Caesar heads into a final and glorious battle against Koba.  We watch then swing and pound eachother across a construction site high rise.  In the end Caesar wins and his apes rally against him.

Andy Serkis received top billing in this film as Caesar and rightfully so.  He stole the show in the first movie and does it again.   He is a motion capture acting specialist.   As much credit is due to the amazing special effects team.  Not only do these apes look eerily real, the way the faces express emotions blew me away.  I believe Serkis could play a more realistic cgi James Franco or Mark Wahlberg than they could   of themselves.

All of the apes stood out in this Oscar worthy visual production. I know  the human’s brought conflict to the plot but I do hope the next installment in this franchise is all about the Apes.  Dawn of planet of the apes is a smart, ambitious and stunning film that knocks it out of the park in every way possible.   Its and sure to be an instant classic.

I give it a 9.6 out of 10

Spoilerish Review of Transformers age of Extinction

1 Jul


"Honey I think I found a Transformah"

“Honey I think I found a Transformah”

I can see why Shia Labeouf had a melt down last week right before the premier of T4.  Its not because he was upset he wasn’t in it its because this movie sucked so much his first 3 movies looked oscar worthy.  If I was shia I would have gotten drunk after that film too, hell I wanted to smoke crack for the first time after sitting for nearly 3 hours of age of exstinktion!

What can I say about the longest commercial of all time? Thats what this was in my opinion a commercial for hasboro toy line, Goodyear, Redbull, budlight, Samsung and every car known to man jammed in a shitty movie.  The product placement in this film wouldn’t have been so bad if this movie was not at least 40 mins too long.  Bay really show cased his directing and editing skills here or lack of skills I should say.  This man must have struck a deal with the devil to destroy all my childhood dreams.

Oh and thanks for this top of the line cast you brought in to replace Shia, Tyrese and the gang from first trilogy.  Watching Marky Mark play Mark Wahlberg as a failed texan inventor.  I dont know what was less believable hearing his thick Boston accent as a “Texan” or the idea this dope was a inventor.  To his credit he played a failed inventor which was a far more realistic look for Mark.  They tried bringing in a fresh cast but it just did not work besides Stanley Tucci doing his best job of playing Steve Jobs I hated everyone not CGI.

The real reason I went to see this movie was for Dinobots and damn even that let me down.  Sure it was cool watching CGI versions of them on screen for about 15 minutes but the whole idea Optimus has to bitch them into submission made no sense.  “Legends” what the hell was that about ? Most of this film made no sense like how Frasier is head of CIA and working with Transformers to kill Transformers.  Humans hate the Robots, robots hate the humans but lets work together in harmony for our common enemy.  However the robot aliends could have annihilated earth at anytime so why did’nt they?

Talk of the “creators” goes on and I guess setting up another movie when Prime does his best superman impression and goes “up up and away” to space.  I wish this franchise under Bay would go away, I feel each movie has gotten worse.  Besides action and nice special effects this film has nothing to offer.  I saw it in imax 3d but was’nt impressed with 3d images.  Although overall eye candy was lovely.  Plenty of action to go around about seriously this movie was way too long!

If you enjoyed the first three movies  for their action than go see this one.  Michael Bay isnt my favorite Director but he does know how to make action sequences.    Some cool designed transformers and cars as usual.  The writing and acting is at an all time low.  I never thought I’d miss Shia Labeouf and Megan Fox.  It had its fun moments but this film was just a big mess of a plot with too many holes that even the product placement could’nt fill.

I’ll sum the film up in one scene:
Mark Wahlberg in the midst of a attack on earth opens up a budlight drinks it and asks his daughter “Sweetie hand me my alien gun.”

I give Transformers Age of Extinction a 5.8 out of 10

X-Men’s Second Class is coming

17 Jun


X-Men Days of Futures past follow up “X-Men Apocalypse” is set to take place 10 years after the events of Days of futures past.  With a film set in 1983 and all the wrongs righted of X-Men: Last Stand we have a fresh start to bringing back some of our favorite characters.  I’m glad Bryan Singer used the time travel story to fix everything they screwed up in the X-Men Movie Universe of the past.  Now the question becomes who should be in Apocalypse?

Considering the setting of film in early 80’s its a good chance to reboot some of the aging actors.  Cyclops, Jean Grey and Storm would all be in there late teens to early 20s in the 80s.  I give you my casting picks for those best suited to take on the original X-men or in this case the second class.

Channing Tatum

Channing Tatum

We know Gambit is in and played by Channing Tatum.   I’ve seen alot of backlash among comic book fans about the choice especially worrying he’ll butcher the Cajun accent.  I’m not too worried 1. Because everyone who’s not from Louisiana butchers  Cajun accents 2. He’s a good enough actor with enough star  power to carry the role into solo films, which I believe Fox intends to do.  Hugh Jackman is getting up there in age and even he admits he might only have one more Wolverine film in him after Apocalypse.

At some point the X-Men will need a new leading man for films until they reboot Jackman’s Logan.   Even when they do that it may be a hit or miss with fans as Hugh as done a great job.  Tatum gets a bad rap as an actor being considered by some as only eye candy and not acting material but for an action film he has what it takes.  Lets face it X-men are not shelling out any academy award winning performances.  I for one am happy to see Gambit get some much needed big screen love.

Professor X

Professor X

I believe we’ve seen the last of Patrick Stewart and Ian Mckellan as Professor X and Magneto.    Its time for James Mcavoy and Michael Fassbender to continue the legacy of the long-time rival and old friends.  The franchise is in good hands with those to at odds they play well off each other and both will do fine carrying the mantle from two beloved legends.  Without a doubt Jennifer Lawrence and Hugh Jackman should and will be back as Mystique and Wolverine.  As well as Beast although I’d like the Kelsey Grammer version instead.


Liam Hemsworth as Cyclops

 Cyclops the X-Men field leader and right hand man of Professor X has been given a chance at new life.  I choose Liam Hemsworth as my fantasy pick for the character.  Thor’s real life younger brother has all it takes to play one of the bigger X-men.  The fact DC and Marvel has yet to snatch this guy up for a comic book film is a mistake and Fox should not pass up the chance.


Emma Stone as Jean Grey

You can’t have Cyclops without his love interest in Jean Grey quite possibly the biggest change of Days of Futures past was giving us one of the most powerful mutants back in Jean Grey.  She should be played by the lovely Emma Stone in my opinion.  I love stone she’s gorgeous, a great actress and comes from a comic book film background having played Gwen Stacy in Amazing Spiderman 1 and 2.  If you saw them films you’d know she would be a great love interest opposite Cyclops and umm Wolverine.  She could play a great Jean and bad ass phoenix if they need that as well.  I know this seems like a stretch but hell Jennifer Lawrence is Mystique I’d love to see these two go at it.

lupita nyong'o as Storm

lupita nyong’o as Storm

Without a doubt if I could handpick a new Storm Lupita Nyong’o would be my number one choice.  I mean this woman is an amazing young actress drop dead gorgeous.  And hello not only is she from Africa like Storm but likes the Mohawk just like the bad ass hero.  Fox really needs a great actress for the role of Storm because if done right she could be a spinoff into a solo fiilm in the future.  Fox has some of the best female comic book characters in their mutant roster its s shame none has had a starring role.  Now as much as I wont Lupita for the X-men chances are this phenomenal actress is not interested in superhero roles but one can always dream.

I know Fox wont end up with any of these actors but hell this is my casting couch and I am sticking with it.  Now if only they would bring back my man Nightcrawler it would make up for missing out on those picks.




A fathers fight

15 Jun
Happy Fathers day

Happy Fathers day

Today’s Fathers day and I’ve received numerous calls and texts wishing me a “Happy Fathers day.”  I appreciate them all but at the risk of sounding ungrateful they make me sad.  Truth is I’m dealing with a battle a battle to be a father, which is a shame because I think I’m a damn good one.  I maybe far from perfect I make mistakes but I try to be the best I can for my girl.  However her mother doesn’t see it that way.  I’m not going to use this as a forum to bash her we have our differences and sadly my daughter is stuck in the middle.  Therefore this fathers day is not the happy one it should be for me.

I dont need to be congratulations or to be commended for the job I’ve done as a father.  Its my duty, one I take on with honor and do with love.  I’ll never understand how someone can just abandon a child, I’ll go to war for my little girl.  No one can push me out her life let alone myself willingly give up that right.  When she say’s “Daddy I love you”, “Daddy I miss you”, “Call me tonight daddy” it melts my heart like no other persons words ever can.

That alone is motivation to fight on, to be in her life.  If you have a child don’t put them at odds with the other parent.  Mothers do not use them as pawns to move and navigate to get what you want.  Fathers do not take out the anger you have towards a bad relationship on them.  Our kids are innocent all they want is a parents love and if you are fortunate enough to have someone who wants to be in the picture for child do not deny them that right.   In the end kids will grow and they’ll determine who their parents are for themselves.

When its all said and done only one person can judge me as a father.  Not the courts, my friends, parents, or her mother.  The only opinion that matters is that of my child.  One day she’ll be old enough to look back at me as a father and I am confident she’ll be able to say “Happy Fathers day” with pride and love.

I leave you with these words I wrote on her birthday

On this day five years ago my daughter was born. During her life I’ve learned and grown. Nothing stands out more than my ability to endure. I thought I was a zero but on this day I became a superhero. No xray vision, I cant fly above. My only super power is a father’s love.


These aren’t your grandaddy’s trannies

10 Jun


I miss the days when transsexuals didn’t make me question my sexuality. Don’t get me wrong I’m not into chicks with dicks but if I was, today’s choices sure are less obvious. Gone are the manly bodied, stubble faced tranny replaced with a more femine version. Hormones, implants even adams Apples are gone. Shit some have faginas (reconstructed vaginas out of penis) only the finger smell test can save you. Once you go to third base the damage has already been done my friend, might as well score.

Not only do todays tranny physcially look more femine thanks to advancements in science they are more educated as to how to dress and make up correctly.   Some trannies especially “old school” ones are over the top with outfits and makeup but overall I’ve noticed new generations of T.S have taken a better approach to looking more lady like.   To be frank some appear to the a better job than natural born women.

Jennifer Lopez boyfriend is accused of cheating with the two trannies.  Now if a young stud like this who’s got J-Lo a millionaire hotty could cheat with a tranny who else wont flip?  You’re probably thinking well he’s gay or bisexual which is a fair assumption I mean these are “ladyboys” he’s banging.  Thing is he’s not hooking up with a manly looking dude they are actually pretty hot shemales.  Matter fact both look similar to Jennifer Lopez in the face and the body, so he’s not going to far away from her.  Only thing is they packing a pecker.

Here’s Casper and one of his alleged Tranny lovers



There is no question that transexuals have come along way both with how we accept them in our society and how much they look like women.  Carmen Carrera is a transgendered model who petitioned to become a Victoria Secrets model, honestly if you saw her you’d think she was a supermodel.  I’m going to do my best to say this without setting off any gaydars but Carrera is hot, penis or not.  If you just look at her you without knowing history you’d never guess that was a man.

 Funny thing is with all these hot trannys nowadays with my luck If I was into transgender female I’d probably find one hung like a donkey. Shattering my ego with her massive Womanhood. Who am I fooling, I’ve seen some woman with bigger clits than my endowment.  And that my friends is why I’ll appreciate a tranny from a far to protect my fragile ego. If she wasn’t hot and hung she’d probably resemble Made.

Seriously I commend today’s transsexual woman for looking like a real woman unlike their original pioneers. I just hate I get all the answers wrong on *Maurys* segment “Is it a he or she?” Some make me feel all weird inside (no pun intended) I’m old school I love good old fashioned vagina, but if I was doing ten years in Jail I wouldn’t mind one of them as a cellmate is all I’m saying.  After all what happens in jail stays in jail, wait or is that Vegas?

At the end if the day all that matters is if you’re happy. No matterif you’re into X-Men like the comic books or an Ex-men like high heels, boobs and penis. Be you and be free my friends.

Half a best man

27 May

A few years ago I was bestowed with the greatest honor a friend could receive.  I was asked to be a bestman to my childhood and best friend Scumbo’s wedding.  His real name is’nt “Scumbo” but ever since his dad called him one while kicking us out of his house it stuck.  I think the correct quote was “Get out you fucking scumball!” somehow we turned it into Scumbo and that nickname stuck.  Scumbo and I have been best buds since the 6th grade so when he asked me to be bestman I jumped at chance. I always wanted to be a best man for two reasons 1. Bachelor Party 2. Drunk wedding speech.

I planned for months the most epic bachelor party weekend I could think of.  I enlisted the help of Scumbos cousins and also my close friends Mitch and Derek, as well as one of our old buddies Hector.  Together we embarked on a crazy fun time.  In order to protect the oath we took of never talking about the bachelor party unless among attendees of party I wont get into any details.  To this day of all the bachelor parties I’ve gone to this was my favorite.  I can’t speak for all the guys but man was that one of the best two days of my life, it was all laughs and good times among friends.

Those fun memories will live with me forever.  Sadly the next day it was all undone by my Uncle passing away.  He had diabetes and a failed liver, upon receiving a transplant his body rejected it.  Crazy thing was my Uncle was from Dominican Republic but came to New York to get transplant.  So he did not die in his home land, to make matters worse my mom (his sister) was on vacation along with my father.  Leaving only me and his daughter to plan and prepare until others got back.

He was my closest uncle even though I only saw Tio Biembo once a year on vacations, he was the best.  We mostly bonded watching baseball, Tio was a hardcore Boston Redsox fan.   As a Met fan myself we shared over our hatred of the Yankees.  To this day every time Yankees play the Redsox I think of him and root for Boston.  

The last time I saw him I promised to come see him before leaving for DR and watch a game with him.  The doctors told me outlook wasn’t good. Despite enjoying bachelor party he was in the back of my mind. Unfortunately he never made our game date, I regret not going to see him on his deathbed.  I thought he could make it past the bachelor party festivities.

The day after he passed I was supposed to travel to Dominican Republic for Scumbo and his now beautiful wife Mary’s wedding.  Do to the circumstances I made one of the hardest choices in my life and cancelled my trip to plan a funeral.  Scumbo was smart and lucky enough to have made me “half a best man” to share with his little brother Vinny.  I missed out on that beautiful vacation wedding and my chance to give a great wedding speech.  Instead of giving a wedding speech I replaced that with a funeral speech for my uncle.

I hope that with the amazing bachelor party I made up for not being there on the most important events for my bestfriends life.  I also hope that the way I handled my uncles services I made good for not being by his side as he died.   To the Wedding I never attended, and the game I never watched, I will forever be “Half bestman.”