Tag Archives: movies

Spoiler free review of TMNT

8 Aug

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I’m a long time hardcore TMNT fan, I’ve been waiting for years to see another movie.  I tried not to get caught up in the hype but I have more TMNT attire than I do dress shirts.  Action figures (dont call them toys) sit on my computer desk.  So writing this review was particularly hard for me as there is no other franchise I hold as near and dear to my heart like I do the Turtles.  Hell I love the turtles so much I grew a shell of my own except its on my front.

 I don’t know what I went in expecting from this film but I sure as hell did not get it.  I’d like to write a thoughtful detailed review but that would mean I put in more work than the writers did on this script.  While they did draw bits and pieces from comic books while adding its own feel.  I appreciate some of the references to appease old school fans like me but the movie just felt short and made no sense.

Do I look happy?

Do I look happy?

The plot had more holes than the cheese on the pizza hut product placement TMNT was pushing.  Seriously I dont mind products being peddled during a movie if its not so obvious but they didn’t even try.  Its like Pizza hut sponsored a Nickelodeon made for tv movie, than I would be raving about this film.

Besides the sewers and a subway scene, New York does not seem like New York.  Maybe that wont bother others as much but I’m born and raised here and it ticks me off when you get NYC wrong!

While I love the idea of CGI reboot of the franchise I had a hardtime adjusting to how big and strong these turtles are.  Seriously they are really strong and way too big for ninjas sneaking around the island of Manhattan.  Ok here I go getting fan boy ranting,  Woosa

Megan Fox is well Megan Fox cosplaying April O’neil, she looks the part but did I mention she’s Megan Fox?  I dont think Michael Bay is over her talking shit about him and he basically snuck one over and punished her with this movie.  Or maybe he’s just trolling us like usual.  Even though Bay’s hand is not felt too heavy on this film, us fanboys know he’s attached.  Anyone my age has felt the wrath of Bay as the destroyer of everything we love from the 80’s.  If I hear Michael Bay has anything to do with a Thundercats movie I might be writing reviews from jail.

Here I go fanboying out again. Sorry about that but seriously Fuck you Michael Bay!

Ok back to the movie.   The footclan is nothing like the footclan of old.  They were just throw ins to get tossed around by the Turtles.  Now Shredder on the other hand kicks major ass/shell but everytime I look at him I think of the Silver Samurai in the Wolverine flick.  I would like to have seen him fight before becoming all Supercharged.  Master Splinter was a Ratlike Yoda when it came to fighting.  I loved watching him throw down but his persona falls flat.

Now for the Turtles.   I wish more time was spent on them and setting up their personality.  If I was not a longtime fan I’d have no connection to them at all.  The opening monologue by Master Splinter themed to comic book scenes falls short and pretty much sets tempo for the movie.  It all seemed rushed and just thrown together.
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At first glance I did not like how accessorized they were but it grew on me.  Each turtle is distinct in size as well as voice the CGI was pretty good at giving us a way to tell them apart.  However in some scenes effects looked poorly done especially the big chase.  All the voices work fine accept Donatello can get pretty nasally and sound almost like a female at times.

Donnies the Smart guy doing what he does with computers and gadgets.  He even snorts while he laughs so that we get he’s a nerd.  Leo is the leader of the pack but he does not give off much personality but than again no one does.  Raph is the hardheaded brute whos always bumping heads with Leonardo.  Raphael is my favorite and I felt like he was given the most screentime which was cool.   Mikeys his loveable funny silly self but alot of the one liners fell short for me just like everything else about this movie.

tmntraph

Besides the fight scenes I did not come away with much more entertainment here.  The best and only memorable moment is seen in the previews when the Turtles are beatboxing in the elevator.  Other than that the turtles lack a charm and silliness that I grew up watching and loving as a kid.  Although I believe new generations of turtle fans will enjoy this version, its painfully obvious these are not my Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

TMNT had the potential to be awesome but its the dud of a summer filled with great movies.

Cowabummer

I give the TMNT a 5.0 out of 10

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Best of San Diego Comic Con

27 Jul

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I did not have the pleasure of attending San Diego Comic Con but I did search the web for news.   Here’s a recap of my favorite out of  SDCC14.

Microsoft unveiled  Trailer for Halo: Nightfall 

The miniseries is a part of the Master chief collection coming to Xbox One.  Showtime is close to a deal with Microsoft for rights to air series on its network.

Fox announced Family Guy Simpsons crossover episode.  Fans of the hit long running shows will be treated to the Griffins visiting Springfield in a episode titled “Simpson Guy”

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DC gave us a look at how they plan on taking over television this fall

Starting with CWs Arrow which is now in entering its third season.  Set to premier October 8th.  Arrow is getting a sidekick this season here’s a look at Roy Harper as Arsenal

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Heres the trailer for Arrows upcoming third season

Along with Arsenal we have confirmation that Ras Al ghul will be the main villain for Arrow this season.  The Atom and Wildcat will also be showing up. As well as a plenty of characters coming over from the new Flash series.  Both shows will exist in same universe and share characters, stories as well as a two hour crossover event.

Heres a look at The Flash 

Fox has the highly anticipated Gotham which focuses on life in Gotham long before Batman.

NBC nabbed its own hero *Constantine*

 

AMC showed us what’s to come on season 5 of  The walking dead

DC gave us a closer look at Batman V. Superman with a teaser of the Dark Knight and Man of Steel in a show down.  Heres latest photo of Ben Affleck as Batmanwpid-wp-1406441186744.jpeg

 

DC also unveiled Gal Gadot as Wonder Woman

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Marvel showed footage from Avengers Age of Ultron

imageI dont have any footage of that action but heres a great description from i09.com

We saw a ton of Avengers: Age of Ultron footage, which starts light-hearted. We see the Avengers sitting around trying to untangle the “whosoever is worthy” thing, regarding who gets to hold Thor’s hammer. And they all think it’s a trick, or a circus sideshow.

“If I lift it, do I get to rule Asgard?” Tony asks. And Thor says yes. Tony says he will be fair but firm, and maybe work out the “wench clause.” Tony can’t lift it — even after he puts on an Iron Man glove and gets Rhodey to help him. Soon everybody is trying to lift it — including Bruce Banner, who gets kinda upset — and only Steve Rogers even comes close.

Black Widow doesn’t even want to try lifting it, because “That’s not a question I need answering.”

Tony guess it’s keyed to Thor’s finger prints, or some other biometric, but Thor says the answer is simpler:  “You’re all not worthy.”

Then there’s a ringing sound and they’re all deafened, and Ultron strides into the room, with a crude Avengers logo painted on his slightly misshapen chest. “How could you be worthy? You’re all killers,” Ultron says. “You want to protect the world, but you don’t want to it to change. There’s only one path to peace: your extinction.”

Then a shit ton of robots burst through the wall and attack all of the Avengers, plus Maria Hill.

Then we hear Ultron’s voiceover saying he had a vision of the whole world screaming for mercy, and everybody tangled in it.

And we see glimpses of some city in what looks like Africa being reduced to rubble by an attack. There’s a closeup of Loki’s staff, and everybody looking freaked out on the Quinjet — most of all Bruce Banner, who is holding himself and shaking with a terrified look on his face. People are running everywhere, and the debris is flying like crazy.

Ultron gives a menacing look, as he surveys all the destruction.

io9 breakdown of Avengers age of Ultron footage

Marvel also announced Guardians of the Galaxy 2 will be written and directed by James Gunn heres the trailer for the fim set to hit theaters August 1, 2014

I can’t wait to see this film.  I fell in love with the comic and believe that Guardians of the Galaxy may very well be the sleeper hit of this summers blockbusters.

How I’ll change the world with porn

29 Mar

Pornhub is running a contest for new creative director.   It made me think what’s porn industry missing? 

After some thought I decided the world deserves its first mainstream Romantic comedy porno.  I’m talking about a legit Hollywood type story & quality acting with porn sex scenes.

I’ve seen countless Rom com’s on dates in my life.  As I sat there waiting for credits to roll and hopefully get laid,  I think “man this movie would be so much better with action or hardcore sex scenes.”  Well action is too expensive but sex not so much. 

Pornos have lost the art of storytelling.  All I do is same as everyone else,  search for my kinky Porn preference  of the moment like big booty midget transsexuals. Get off two minutes in of clip and I’m done. Well I say we need more from porn!

A simple idea that will not only change dating but the world as we know it.   You could learn alot from watching porn with someone.   This is a great way to get people who are not yet on that level sharing intimate moments. My film can be the difference between you getting a handjob or handshake.

I know Porn,  I know comedy and I’m pretty sure I can figure out romance. Support me and I promise to make you laugh,  cry and cum. That’s all  my past relationships rolled into 1 hour 45 minutes.  

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