Spoiler free review of TMNT

I’m a long time hardcore TMNT fan, I’ve been waiting for years to see another movie.  I tried not to get caught up in the hype but I have more TMNT attire than I do dress shirts.  Action figures (dont call them toys) sit on my computer desk.  So writing this review was particularly hard for me as there is no other franchise I hold as near and dear to my heart like I do the Turtles.  Hell I love the turtles so much I grew a shell of my own except its on my front.

 I don’t know what I went in expecting from this film but I sure as hell did not get it.  I’d like to write a thoughtful detailed review but that would mean I put in more work than the writers did on this script.  While they did draw bits and pieces from comic books while adding its own feel.  I appreciate some of the references to appease old school fans like me but the movie just felt short and made no sense.

Do I look happy?

The plot had more holes than the cheese on the pizza hut product placement TMNT was pushing.  Seriously I dont mind products being peddled during a movie if its not so obvious but they didn’t even try.  Its like Pizza hut sponsored a Nickelodeon made for tv movie, than I would be raving about this film.

Besides the sewers and a subway scene, New York does not seem like New York.  Maybe that wont bother others as much but I’m born and raised here and it ticks me off when you get NYC wrong!

While I love the idea of CGI reboot of the franchise I had a hardtime adjusting to how big and strong these turtles are.  Seriously they are really strong and way too big for ninjas sneaking around the island of Manhattan.  Ok here I go getting fan boy ranting,  Woosa

Megan Fox is well Megan Fox cosplaying April O’neil, she looks the part but did I mention she’s Megan Fox?  I dont think Michael Bay is over her talking shit about him and he basically snuck one over and punished her with this movie.  Or maybe he’s just trolling us like usual.  Even though Bay’s hand is not felt too heavy on this film, us fanboys know he’s attached.  Anyone my age has felt the wrath of Bay as the destroyer of everything we love from the 80’s.  If I hear Michael Bay has anything to do with a Thundercats movie I might be writing reviews from jail.

Here I go fanboying out again. Sorry about that but seriously Fuck you Michael Bay!

Ok back to the movie.   The footclan is nothing like the footclan of old.  They were just throw ins to get tossed around by the Turtles.  Now Shredder on the other hand kicks major ass/shell but everytime I look at him I think of the Silver Samurai in the Wolverine flick.  I would like to have seen him fight before becoming all Supercharged.  Master Splinter was a Ratlike Yoda when it came to fighting.  I loved watching him throw down but his persona falls flat.

Now for the Turtles.   I wish more time was spent on them and setting up their personality.  If I was not a longtime fan I’d have no connection to them at all.  The opening monologue by Master Splinter themed to comic book scenes falls short and pretty much sets tempo for the movie.  It all seemed rushed and just thrown together.

At first glance I did not like how accessorized they were but it grew on me.  Each turtle is distinct in size as well as voice the CGI was pretty good at giving us a way to tell them apart.  However in some scenes effects looked poorly done especially the big chase.  All the voices work fine accept Donatello can get pretty nasally and sound almost like a female at times.

Donnies the Smart guy doing what he does with computers and gadgets.  He even snorts while he laughs so that we get he’s a nerd.  Leo is the leader of the pack but he does not give off much personality but than again no one does.  Raph is the hardheaded brute whos always bumping heads with Leonardo.  Raphael is my favorite and I felt like he was given the most screentime which was cool.   Mikeys his loveable funny silly self but alot of the one liners fell short for me just like everything else about this movie.

Besides the fight scenes I did not come away with much more entertainment here.  The best and only memorable moment is seen in the previews when the Turtles are beatboxing in the elevator.  Other than that the turtles lack a charm and silliness that I grew up watching and loving as a kid.  Although I believe new generations of turtle fans will enjoy this version, its painfully obvious these are not my Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

TMNT had the potential to be awesome but its the dud of a summer filled with great movies.

Cowabummer

I give the TMNT a 5.0 out of 10

Spoilerish Review of Transformers age of Extinction

 

“Honey I think I found a Transformah”

I can see why Shia Labeouf had a melt down last week right before the premier of T4.  Its not because he was upset he wasn’t in it its because this movie sucked so much his first 3 movies looked oscar worthy.  If I was shia I would have gotten drunk after that film too, hell I wanted to smoke crack for the first time after sitting for nearly 3 hours of age of exstinktion!

What can I say about the longest commercial of all time? Thats what this was in my opinion a commercial for hasboro toy line, Goodyear, Redbull, budlight, Samsung and every car known to man jammed in a shitty movie.  The product placement in this film wouldn’t have been so bad if this movie was not at least 40 mins too long.  Bay really show cased his directing and editing skills here or lack of skills I should say.  This man must have struck a deal with the devil to destroy all my childhood dreams.

Oh and thanks for this top of the line cast you brought in to replace Shia, Tyrese and the gang from first trilogy.  Watching Marky Mark play Mark Wahlberg as a failed texan inventor.  I dont know what was less believable hearing his thick Boston accent as a “Texan” or the idea this dope was a inventor.  To his credit he played a failed inventor which was a far more realistic look for Mark.  They tried bringing in a fresh cast but it just did not work besides Stanley Tucci doing his best job of playing Steve Jobs I hated everyone not CGI.

The real reason I went to see this movie was for Dinobots and damn even that let me down.  Sure it was cool watching CGI versions of them on screen for about 15 minutes but the whole idea Optimus has to bitch them into submission made no sense.  “Legends” what the hell was that about ? Most of this film made no sense like how Frasier is head of CIA and working with Transformers to kill Transformers.  Humans hate the Robots, robots hate the humans but lets work together in harmony for our common enemy.  However the robot aliends could have annihilated earth at anytime so why did’nt they?

Talk of the “creators” goes on and I guess setting up another movie when Prime does his best superman impression and goes “up up and away” to space.  I wish this franchise under Bay would go away, I feel each movie has gotten worse.  Besides action and nice special effects this film has nothing to offer.  I saw it in imax 3d but was’nt impressed with 3d images.  Although overall eye candy was lovely.  Plenty of action to go around about seriously this movie was way too long!

If you enjoyed the first three movies  for their action than go see this one.  Michael Bay isnt my favorite Director but he does know how to make action sequences.    Some cool designed transformers and cars as usual.  The writing and acting is at an all time low.  I never thought I’d miss Shia Labeouf and Megan Fox.  It had its fun moments but this film was just a big mess of a plot with too many holes that even the product placement could’nt fill.

I’ll sum the film up in one scene:
Mark Wahlberg in the midst of a attack on earth opens up a budlight drinks it and asks his daughter “Sweetie hand me my alien gun.”

I give Transformers Age of Extinction a 5.8 out of 10